I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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