Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
