the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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