I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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