Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
