when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
