I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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