Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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