If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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