you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need to calm my uterus...
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