I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
