yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
