Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's shark week go big or go home
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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