Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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