my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Randomize
