She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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