dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
