Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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