I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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