So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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