Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
