you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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