i dont even know how to be here
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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