I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
