sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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