Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
