Sponge bath it is.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
