you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
People in love make me want to vomit
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
