I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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