nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
