You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
