Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
