I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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