Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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