Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's blow job season.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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