I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
