Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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