mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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