The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
someone get that fucking seahorse.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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