Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
and you fell through a lawn chair
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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