I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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