my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to make a zoo with you.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
