Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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