I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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