I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
