I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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