Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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