I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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