Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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