we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
