i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
