I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
