I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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