Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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