dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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