I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
