When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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