Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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