so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Randomize
